Rev. Richard P. Smith
| Romans 12:18 Words of Paul If it is possible, and as far as depends on you, live at peace with everyone. |
In 1993, Dr. Paul Meier, a notable Christian psychologist, wrote a book titled, Don’t Let Jerks Get The Best Of You: Advice For Dealing With Difficult People. Essentially, he said the jerks in our lives are truly selfish people who feel entitled to do what they want when they want.
Then in 1997, Dr. Les Parrott, another Christian psychologist, wrote a book titled, High-Maintenance Relationships: How To Handle Impossible People. As he put it, “I learned that some people were more difficult, if not impossible, to get along with”.
And, in 2005, Mary Southerland, a respected Christian writer and thinker, wrote a book titled, Sandpaper People: Dealing With The One Who Rubs You The Wrong Way.
Let’s look at this life issue more deeply…
There Certainly Are People Hard To Like
In his book, Dr. Parrott lists fifteen types of these “impossible” people; among them are…
The Critic: “constantly complains and gives unwanted advice”
The Martyr: “forever the victim”
The Steamroller: “blindly insensitive to others”
The Competitor: “keeps track of tit for tat”
The Workhorse: “always pushes and is never satisfied”.
Each of us, I’m guessing, can name someone we know at work, in the community, perhaps even in the family who fits one of these particular categories.
Keep in mind that even Jesus had difficulty with some persons. The Gospels do not hide the fact that Jesus and the religious authorities of his day, in particular the Pharisees, had an ongoing contentious relationship. In Matthew 23:33, we find Jesus addressing them with these harsh, cutting words, You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned?
We can find some comfort, I think, in knowing that even as Christians we aren’t necessarily expected to like everyone.
The Love Ethic Of Jesus Remains Our Guide
We cannot, and should not, escape the explicit call of Jesus that we are to love others (Mark 12:31). This means, unquestionably, that we are to look for ways to nurture positive relationships where and when we can.
Another key Biblical passage for a proper Jesus-like response is found in Romans 12:18. There the Apostle Paul writes: If it is possible, as far as depends on you, be at peace with everyone.
Note here that Paul posits two key conditions for nurturing peace with others (which certainly is a reflection of a loving spirit)…that building bridges with a difficult person “is possible” and that such depends on us. The other person most certainly may make it impossible for connection and/or not accept our overtures of connection.
In essence, we commit ourselves in dealing with sandpaper people to act with love and peace; while acknowledging some things are outside our best efforts.
Sometimes We’re The Problem
Now, let’s be honest…sometimes we’re the ones in the wrong; not the other person. Let me share with you some ways we can be the problem:
When we expect others to be who we want them to be or act like we want them to act;
When we refuse to admit we’re wrong;
When we speak or act judgmentally;
When we fail to be sensitive to the needs of others.
Be In Prayer For The Relationship
For one thing, pray to understand the other person. Is there something which has happened in the person’s life which has contributed to his or her challenging behavior? Is there something I need to know which would help things?
And, ask God to help you see some good in that person. With God’s help, hopefully we each can note some part of that difficult person which is worth affirming.
There Is Some Practical Information We Need To Remember
First of all, we may need to practice avoidance with some persons who continually prove to be extremely difficult in our lives. God doesn’t expect us, I don’t think, to spend unnecessary time with those who deplete our spirits, who rob us of our joy, who make interaction with them always unbearable. We do our very best, with God’s help, to have a constructive connection; but we also distance ourselves when it has to be.
Secondly,don’t capitulate to being a victim. God doesn’t expect you or me to stay in relationships which are overbearing, controlling, abusive, and unhealthy.
